Much has happened

Much has happened since I was on here last. A new little girl has been added to our family. Eva Grace Van Otterloo was born on March 16. She is a real sweetheart. My little granddaugters, my precious children and wonderful husband fill the void that I feel creeping into my ife as I watch my mom fade away. God sends joy through them.

This month I was reduced to tears a couple of times. One was when I selected cards for Mother's Day. I found one for my mother-in-law easily. Then I felt pools of water spill over as I searched for one for my mom. Most of the cards described who she once was but can no longer be. Then my daughter gave me a card that got me. Her words affirmed me and shared about how I had inspired her as a mother. Tears came again when I got a card from my parents that had been addressed by a neighbor who wanted to help them out. This spoke volumes before I even opened the envelope. (Mom and Dad need help. Dad is overwhelmed. I should be there). Then I regained my composure to see a beautiful hand crafted card from my son with a personal note. Tears flowed again as I longed to see him and his wife.


This is a season that I continue to battle in. We pastor a church with wonderful people and love doing it. While it is small, we are seeing lives changed for the better. My hubby is facing a job loss in November from his job that is our only source of income. This places us in a mental, financial, spiritual, and emotional struggle. Questions flood my mind. How much longer can Dad care for Mom without help? Should we look for work here or closer to our parents? What will happen with the church? If we have to move, will the house sale in this economy? Honestly, I can't handle this without answers and only God knows them. I am having to walk by faith more than ever before.

There are days that feelings of guilt eat away at me. I feel like I should be in Alabama making the most of the time I have with my mother. I feel that I should be shouldering more of the responsibility for Dad. At the same time, God has called me to be a strong wife and encourager for my husband and children. Balancing them is not easy. I read about the sandwich generation for years without fully comprehending what it entailed.

Some days I feel almost paralyzed. Is this normal grief? When will I feel strong again? I know expressing this is being brutally honest but the pain is raw and I want to capture it so that when I am on the other side and God has seen me through, I will remember so that I can help someone else through.